TITLE    : 10 Bizarre Beauty Pageants
STORYID  : 10-bizarre-beauty-pageants
SUMMARY  : Listicles, not testicles.
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2018-04-02
CATEGORY : reviews-and-essays
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |breasts|nipples|cunt|twat|dick|prick|pussy|ass|buttocks|anus|


As the proliferation of websites featuring "listicles" (not to be confused with "testicles"), content presented in the form of lists, indicates catalogues of trivia have become big business on the Internet. Literotica has even featured a few (see my own "The World's 10 Greatest Inventions"). Since they're relatively easy to write, I've decided, what the hell, why not exploit this mindless trend with another listicle of my own: 10 Bizarre Beauty Pageants. 



10 Miss D Legs Beauty Contest



They were long, shapely, sleek, and tapering—the legs of the leggy women competing for the 2015 title of Miss D Legs in the unusual beauty pageant of the same name hosted by D Las Vegas Hotel and Casino. The 30 contestants, wearing white tops, short blue shorts, and red high heels, kicked up their heels so well that five of them shared the $5,000 prize and a chance to pose for D Las Vegas billboards erected across Sin City.



Prize money put up by D Las Vegas's owner, Derek Stevens, was split with Daisy Schneider (first place), Leah Grubei (second place), Christina Brooklyn (third place), and two others.



9 Miss Bumbum Contest



The Miss Bumbum Contest is a yearly pageant focused on finding the most beautiful buttocks in Brazil. Twenty-seven contestants compete in the cheeky contest—one from each of Brazil's states. The winner wins 50,000 reais (about $22,000) in endorsement deals. Currently, Rosie Oliveira holds the title in the contest created by journalist Cacau Oliver. 



A calendar of the competitors was released in the United States on December 1, 2016. The 2016 contest winner, Erika Canela, appeared on the cover, in all her gluteal glory. Other past winners are Suzy Cortez (2015), Indianara Carvalho (2014), Dai Macedo (2013), Carine Felizardo (2012), and Rosana Ferreira (2011).



The contest isn't without criticism and controversy. Daisy Donovan, an English journalist, says Miss Bumbum, "a spectacular feast of the flesh," objectifies and degrades women. Two models were also accused, by an American online news publication, of bribing judges.



Other buttocks beauty pageants include Miss Reef, held in South America, and Got Ass, a pageant that takes place in North America.



8 Beautiful Buttocks Contest



Playing the copycat, China launched its own version of Brazil's Miss Bumbum Contest, the Beautiful Buttocks Contest. Participants gathered in a shopping mall to display their delightful derrieres. Each wore a black thong that showed off their asses—uh, assets—to their best advantage. Holding signs bearing their numbers, the young women danced and pranced, while judges examined their shapely behinds.



Developed by Saipu, a Beijing-based fitness club, the contest relies on word of mouth, rather than professional advertising, for publicity—and, apparently, the contest gets plenty—publicity, that is. The 50 contestants had to have "natural," unmodified bottoms. The seven judges looked for such qualities as roundness, curviness, and firmness.



Masks were optional; some contestants wore them, while others did not. The most beautiful pair of buttocks in each of five regions wins 5,00 yuan, or about £568 in cash and is awarded a shot at the national title.



7 Miss Sexy Back



Pretty much every part—indeed, every inch—of a woman is an erogenous zone. Their backsides are especially popular. Besides Brazil's Miss Bumbum Contest and China's Beautiful Buttocks Contest, there's also South Korea's Miss Sexy Back Contest. Despite its coy title, the pageant has nothing to do with spines.



The Miss Sexy Back Contest is held in Gwangjang-dong, Seoul. Its purpose isn't just to show off the sexiest backside in South Korea, but also to raise erections—uh, awareness about health and beauty.



As they were led across the stage, wearing black panties, the masked contestants were evaluated by ogling judges. Kim Ha Neul took the 2014 title. Information about later pageants seems to have gotten lost in cyber space.



6 Anus Contest



Perhaps one of the most bizarre beauty pageants is the Anus Contest. The winner receives $5,000 and becomes the model for sex toys. The contest doesn't take place on stage (or in a proctologist's office); it occurs online, and the general public decrees the winner, through their votes. Contestants send photographs, labeled "Anus Contest" to a website address, where entries are judge. The runner-up earns $3,000, and the anus that takes third place receives $2,000.



Although the pageant is open to men and women from across the globe, the top three places were won by women. Of the 221 contestants, the winners of the first Anus Contest were Ms. Pink, age 21, of Arkansas (first place); Ale, age 40, of Italia (second place); and Scarlett, age 21, of London.



5 Hubei Beauty Contest 



Every bit, the naughty and the others alike—has also become the focus of a bizarre beauty contest, including ladies' nipples. The contest's rules requires contestants' nipples to be at least 20 centimeters apart, and participants in the contest must be "extremely good looking," a contest staffer said. Her beauty is measured according to "traditional Chinese" as well as "more modern Western" standards.



The contest is sponsored by a Hubei beauty college. Unfortunately, no bare-naked nips were on display in the contest, but staff made sure contestants were eligible to compete under the contest's rigid rules.



A diagram shows how the staffers test the distance between each lady's nipples. A triangle, apex at the center of the collarbone, has a 20-centimeter-wide base. Set in place, the triangle shows whether a contestant's bust is beautiful enough to warrant her entry into the pageant.



Sound weird? Not when you recall that the Asians brought us such curious stunts as bukkake and gokkun. I mean, being showered in semen or drinking cum has to be at least as bizarre as a nipples beauty pageant, right?



4 The Vagina Beauty Contest



Autoblow, a company manufacturing machines that perform fellatio is sponsoring a contest dedicated to identifying the world's loveliest twat (if there is such a thing). Autoblow's owner, Brian Sloan, said his contest's purpose isn't to objectify the cunt, but to improve his products' quality.



The name of the pageant, Vagina Beauty Contest, is an intentional misnomer, Sloan admits, since it seeks the best-looking vulva, not the most beautiful beaver. He thinks "vagina" is a better "brand" than "vulva." The vaginas of the top three contestants will be copied by a 3-D printer for use in future Autoblow products.



The owners of the winning pussies remain anonymous and will receive no royalties. Instead, they will receive a "one-time payment," Sloan said, $5,000 for first place, $2,500 for second place, and $1,250 for third place.



To enter the contest, women uploaded photos of their nether parts to a website, where visitors rated them on a scale from 1 to 10. Sloan used the scanner to scan the contestants, who, wearing a mask, if they wanted to do so, lay on their backs, naked from the waist down, with their legs spread wide. Then, they posed on their hands and knees, while their boyfriends spread their buttocks so Sloan could scan their assholes.



One contestant said the experience was "very uncomfortable" and reminded her of being at a doctor's office. Another woman said she saw no difference in the Vagina Beauty Contest and more traditional pageants. She said her participation in the contest was a result of feminism's freeing women to make decisions as to how they wanted to use their bodies.



First, second, and third place were awarded to European ladies. Apparently, American women don't have what it takes down there. 



Sloan said he also plans to sponsor contests for the most beautiful penis and the loveliest testicles. "I'm excited to start . . . a new wave of amateur genitals on sex toys," he said. 



3 Smallest Penis Contest



As a rule, having a cock isn't much to crow about. The winner of the Smallest penis Contest may be an exception. The petty penis pageant was first held in 2013. According to the contest's founder, Jesse Levitt of the Kings County Saloon, his business partner Amy inspired the contest. She had a hard time with a dude whose pecker was too big, so, Levitt said, he wanted to put on a contest in which men who aren't well-endowed could feel proud of their puny pricks. Levitt admitted the pageant is "taboo and voyeuristic," but, to a small degree, it somewhat balances out the sexist beauty contests that target women's bodies. 



2 Scrotum Beauty Pageant



The Scrotum Beauty Pageant happens online, as men around the world upload photos of their ball sacks to a website. Visitors' votes elect the contest's winner. Brian Sloan, who also organized the Vagina Beauty Contest, said he makes "decorative items out of the winner's balls." They'll become the models for scrotal paperweights, doorstops, bookends, and other novelties. 



He thought of some possibilities for scrotal sex toys, but decided decorative items would be better than a wearable item that would let men and their significant others hear the sound and feel the sensation of the scrotum as it slaps during sex.



The contest's three winners, two Americans and an Australian, each of whom has huge scrotums, were awarded $10,000 and had their "scrotums 3D-scanned before being made into decorative items.



Sloan hopes his scrotum contest will help people appreciate the beauty of the much-maligned scrotum so men can feel confident about their nut sacks. 



1 Gerewol



Among the Wodaabe people of Africa, the men are expected to be beautiful, and the women judge their appearance. The men dress up, wear makeup, and don sexy outfits and lots of bling. They paint their faces with red, white, and yellow clay and participate in Gerewol, a male beauty contest celebrating the fertility rains bring to the Sahara Desert. The men also dance for the ladies. If one succeeds in impressing a judge, she may take him as a lover.



The women have high standards; their criteria for male beauty includes a tall, athletic build adorned with ostrich feathers and pompoms; a narrow face decorated with red ocher; wide eyes enhanced with black eye shadow derived from burned egret bones; facial symmetry highlighted with black, white, and yellow patterns; an aquiline nose streamlined by a white clay arrow stripe along the bridge; long braids and cowrie shells symbolic of fertility and wealth; white, regular teeth emphasized with black lipstick; and good dancing ability accentuated by the jangle of the beaded necklaces and bodices they wear.



The colors are symbolic: red for blood and violence; yellow for magic and transformation; black to contrast with the loss and death represented by white. The men's dance imitates the movements of the egret, whose song the men sing by vibrating their bird-lipstick-painted lips. The winners are chosen by the judges as their lovers, even if the judges or the contestants already have spouses. That's the whole purpose of the contest, and both female judges and male contestants enjoy the benefits of victory, especially since winning allows couples to experience the love that their arranged marriages—often made when they are children—sometimes do not provide.



Note: No legs, bums, assholes, nips, pussies, dicks, balls, or Wodaabes were harmed in the writing of this listicle.

