TITLE    : Bizarre Bras Ch. 02
STORYID  : bizarre-bras-ch-02
SUMMARY  : They're weird and funny, but they have a purpose, too.
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2013-05-15
CATEGORY : reviews-and-essays
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |tits|breasts|bosom|hooters|boobs|nipples|bras|brassiere|fashion|ladyboy|


They're at it again! Manufacturers, intend upon milking mammaries for as much money as possible--and a lot, it seems, is possible--have fashioned a whole new line of bizarre bras. These over-the-shoulder boulder holders defamiliarize a woman's--or, for that matter, a male-to-female transsexual's--breasts, thus calling new attention to the pert and pretties.

An art term, "defamiliarize" means what it seems to mean. Defamiliarization is any technique that makes the familiar seem unfamiliar; defamiliarization makes the ordinary seem extraordinary, the everyday seem strange. It renews, or makes new, that which has lost its original power to attract; it puts the razzle back in the dazzle.

As lovely as a maidenly pair of pert and pretties is, the sad fact is that, over time, even twin peaks as lovely as milady's mammaries tend to lose at least something of their charm. As the voyeur's eye becomes jaded, the enchantment of the breasts becomes faded. But defamiliarization, by making the familiar strange, renews the object's power to impress.

Bizarre bras accomplish this feat, making titties visible again, even to eyes blinded by a surfeit of topless loveliness--and these bras accomplish the miracle in a variety of ways.

One design transforms milady's breasts into a pair of faucet, complete, of course, with handles. Perhaps the faucets control the flow of milk from the wearer's bosoms. (Titty Tip: a nursing mother can teach her babe in arms--or her husband, for that matter--to turn the flow of mother's milk off and on at will, simply by a twist or two in the right direction: counterclockwise for "open," clockwise for "close.")

Another bra turns a model's breasts into butterfly wings. I'm not an expert about butterflies, but the wings look to me, the untutored amateur, like those of the Monarch. (Titty Tip: With a Monarch on her bosom, your chick will look every inch the princess or queen whom--if you're smart--you constantly tell her she is.)

Especially when she's at the beach or running around the house in her underwear, your Significant Other is apt, if she's a she, to lack space for all the accessories and accoutrements of femininity that are part and parcel of her existence as such. The perfect solution: a brassiere that doubles as a pair of pockets! With the pocket bra, your girlfriend, wife, or mistress will have plenty of space, even while half-naked, to carry her chocolate, credit cards, and makeup. (Titty Tip, to score extra points with her, tuck a few goodies into the pockets before you give her the bra, as if it were a Christmas stocking.)

A euphemism for breasts is "big brown eyes," but no one's ever suggested--until now--that boobs have ears. The bra shaped like earphones implies that milady's mammaries can, in fact, hear sounds, including music. The next time you see a woman jogging, don't be surprised if she's wearing both a headset and a pair of earphones on her own pair. (Titty Tip: Make sure she's listening to some romantic claptrap; that way, she may be hot to trot after her noonday run in the sun.)

Vincent Van Gogh even appears in one bizarre bra's design--or, rather, one of his masterpieces, Starry Night does. The fabric is printed with a copy of his astonishing painting, spiraling nebulae and all. It's enough to make a guy want to cut off his ear. (Titty Tip: Although a conversation piece, for sure, wearing this bra around anyone who has lost an ear--or, for that matter, any other body part--may be of questionable taste.)

Some bizarre bras parody previous bizarre bras. For example, the hands-on bra has fingers on its cups, as if they are holding the wearer's boobs. Funny in itself, it's also funny in the parody version, in which the bony phalanges of skeletal hands replace the regular digits. (Titty Tip: Avoid wearing this particular hooters holder if you are attending a funeral or a wake, as doing on such an occasion may be considered insensitive or even gauche. Save it for Halloween, when it should be a hit with both the quick and the dead.)

A bra I'd like to see (or even own) that I haven't seen on the Internet--at least, not yet--is one that uses cornucopias for cups. After all, if tits not a horns of plenty, what are? They are beautiful to behold, soft and sleek to the touch, full and pliable, and, under the right circumstances, can even provide sustenance for the hungry.

I also have other ideas; tits are, I guess, inspirational. How about a bra that sings? Embed some sort of a microchip-thingie in milady's cups, activated by her nipples whenever she gets pokies (either because she's cold or horny; it doesn't really matter which). Depending upon the song list, her titties could sing anything from "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" to the theme from "A Summer Place." Such a bra could be useful for any occasion or holiday; it might even be employed to get its wearer in the mood for more than a candlelight dinner. (Titty Tip: To stiffen the nips, apply ice cubes, rub them with a fabric, or talk dirty to them; they'll be singing all the time in no time!)

There's no reason that a bra's cups couldn't contain magnifying lenses over cutouts of the nipple areas, affording voyeurs and other viewers a close-up and personal view of the wearer's rosy protuberances. Often, bigger is better, after all. (Titty Tip: To enhance the effect of the magnifiers, refer to the previous item, for information concerning how to produce papillary erection.)

Since, when it comes to sex, I'm an equal opportunity opportunist, let me conclude with the observation that bizarre bras point the way toward similar innovations in regard to male unmentionables. Anything that can be envisioned for tits could also be applied to testicles. What's good, in other words, for boobs is also good--or could be--for balls. Imagine men wearing ball-bras in the shapes I've mentioned in this review (and in its first part, my original "Bizarre Bras" article.) Testicles transformed into faucets (offering semen instead of milk); Monarch butterfly wings (kings, of course, rather than queens--except in the case of gay guys, perhaps); pockets in which to pocket condoms, cock rings, and other manly things; earphones the better with which to hear the slap-happy sounds of flesh on flesh and the slurping sounds of milady's juiciest juices--the possibilities are as unlimited as those which continue to find expression in the ever-expanding market of bizarre bras for ladies and ladyboys.

Don't think testicular bras are all there are when it comes to male fashion. There's the codpiece, too, after all, and the jockstrap. The penis, too, lends itself to many possibilities. It could be the basic structure for any number of sleeve-like garments, or tubular togs. Some designs that spring to mind include elephant trunks, snakes, candles, flashlights, scepters, mushrooms, sausages, pickles, baseball bats, bananas, pineapples, bottles, top hats, batons, hammers, lobsters, sharks, pirouetting ballerinas--the list goes on and on. For the inspired, imaginative clothing designer, dressing cocks and balls could become big business in themselves. After all, the codpiece was the height of fashion in Europe for two hundred years, and, even today, a lot of gay guys fawn over jockstraps. Maybe the time has come for fashionistas to embrace the testicular bra and penis sheaths as they have long embraced--or have long wanted to embrace--the bosom bra.

