TITLE    : Bump and Grind
STORYID  : bump-and-grind-3
SUMMARY  : Bumper stickers can help you date your mate.
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2010-01-09
CATEGORY : adult-humor
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |date|mate|matchmaking|dating service|humor|wit|politics|religion|


Internet matchmaking and dating websites promise prospective customers the moon. Simply by filling out a questionnaire and posting a risqué photograph of someone who's way sexier than oneself, these sites claim, a man can meet the woman (or man) of his dreams and vice versa. The quizzes are supposed to test potential lovers' "compatibility."



In reality, they test potential customers' gullibility. Like the "Can You Draw This?" ad, which challenges people interested in art (half the planet's population) to draw a stick figure or a smiley face and then sends them the good news that not only have they passed the test but they are also eligible to enroll in an exclusive art school, the tuition for which is only half their life's savings, the remainder of which will be spent on supplies, furnished, of course, by the art school itself, Internet matchmaking and dating services guarantee that the lovelorn will become lovebirds if (and only if) they avail themselves of a particular service's website, membership in which costs about the same as enrollment in the aforementioned art school.



I have a much cheaper way to pick up girls (or guys), which works just as well whether a person is bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual, or pansexual. It costs nothing. It's easy. It's fast. It's effective. Interested? Just send me $19.95, and--just kidding. You did see the part about it being free, right?



Here's all there is to meeting the girl or the guy or your wet dreams.



While you're tooling along in your station wagon or duct-taped VW, trying to get your mileage up to 1,000,000 miles, check out your fellow motorists' bumper stickers or, as I prefer to call them, bumper snickers. (If a fellow motorist's car doesn't sport at least one bumper snicker, forget about the driver, no matter how sexy he or she might be; he or she is not for you, trust me.) Tip: the more bumper snickers a guy or gal has plastered over his of her bumper, or, even better, the rear end of his or her car, the better. Remember the questionnaires with which matchmaking and dating websites plague the lovelorn? Well, bumper snickers are the answers to these kinds of invasive personal questions with the benefit to you of never having to pose such inquiries and, in the process, maybe piss off the person you're interrogating.



You can learn a lot from reading other drivers' bumper snickers, not only about their sexual orientations and preferences, but also about their religious beliefs, philosophical positions, political convictions (or, depending upon your own political convictions, lack thereof), their morals (if any), their sense of humor, and their parental status. At the same time, you can get your day's quota of snickers.



Here are just a few of the bumper snickers at which I've snickered lately:



Of course I'm out of my mind; it's dark and scary in there! (Not a good choice for date.)



You're just jealous because the voices talk to me. (Also, not likely to be what you're looking for in a mate.)



Now the voices are texting me. (Not appropriate even for a one-night stand.)



Carpe chocolatum. (At least, you know what to buy him or her for Valentine's Day.)



Power depends on obedience. (Whether the driver's a sadist or a masochist is hard to say, but an interest in BDSM seems clear enough, if that's what floats your boat.)



The problem with political jokes is how often they get elected. (An anarchist?)



Democrats make better lovers--who's ever heard of a good piece of elephant? (This person's obviously an ass lover.)



What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? (This person is most likely an existentialist.)



What would Jesus do for a Klondike bar? (Maybe this individual watches a little too much TV.)



Guess where I'm pierced. (Sounds promising.)



Life sucks--and it leaves some mean hickies. (Here's a hot prospect.)



It's not length of life, but depth of life.--Ralph Waldo Emerson. (Maybe there was more to Transcendentalism than we were taught in high school!)



Life is short; play naked. (Obviously, a nudist.)



She who dies with the most shoes wins. (A foot fetishist.)



MEN. Bigger. Stronger. Better. (There's probably a pink inverted triangle somewhere on the bumper of this guy's car, too.)



Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are just better rich. (A gold digger who's up front enough about it to advertise it on her rear bumper.)



My mother never saw irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. (He has a sense of humor, but he could be a product of incest.)



Liquor in the front, poker in the rear. (You've struck pay dirt!)



I have only another tip or two to add, and you're through.



First, avoid anyone whose bumper snicker is two or more lines or takes more than, say, five seconds to read. He or she is probably a windbag who lives to hear him- or herself talk, who hogs every conversation, and who wants to converse (or soliloquize) only and always about him- or herself. In other words, such a person is apt to be a narcissist, which is another word for a selfish, royal pain in the ass (and not in a good way). Worse yet, such idiots are likely to be humorless. Here are some examples of the sort of thing I'm talking about:



I'm going off to find myself. If you see me before I get back, please let me know where I'll be.



SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking is bad for you. You've always known that. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you, anyway?



If I loved my neighbors like myself, there'd be a lot more smiles in my neighborhood!



Second, as counter-intuitive as it may seem, bumper snickers about sex are, as a rule, neither funny nor sexy, so avoid people with bumper snickers like these affixed to their rear ends:



Sex is the moist fun thing you can do.



I'm not losing hair, I'm getting head.



I'm GREAT in bed (I can sleep all night).



I could go on. And on. And on. But you get my drift. Bumper snickers are better than any Internet matchmaking or dating website or service--they get to the heart of the matter, identifying, at a glance, and using passable wit and humor to do so, what makes others tick religiously, philosophically, politically, morally, sexually, and otherwise, offering an opportunity for a match that's made in heaven. And they're free!

