TITLE    : How to Beautify Your Cunt
STORYID  : how-to-beautify-your-cunt
SUMMARY  : It may not be as impossible a feat as it sounds.
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2010-04-08
CATEGORY : adult-humor
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |labia|pubic hair|shave|paint|jewelry|piercing|sex-change|


Most women know what most men are unwilling to tell them: their cunts are ugly.



No matter how many times a cunt may be compared to a cat (or pussy), to something warm and furry (a muff or a beaver), or to something more repulsive (a bearded clam or a gash), the mirror, which, unlike the camera, never lies, tells--indeed, shows--the truth: cunts are ugly.



For this reason, some women have made attempts to beautify their cunts. A few have even succeeded--well, to some extent.



One of the best ways to beautify your cunt is to shave the bitch. I mean, a cunt is ugly enough bald, but it is truly repulsive when it's buried in a tangled mass of unkempt pubic hair in which there could be a nest of herpes viruses, crabs, mucus, or God-only-knows-what. Cleanliness is next to godliness, and a shaved cunt at least looks a hell of a lot cleaner than a hairy gash.



Having shaved your furburger, it's no longer a hair pie, but, let's face it (or not), it's not all that beautiful bald, either. More work--a lot more--is definitely in order. Why not paint your nether lips? After all, women apply lipstick to their facial counterparts, and the lips on the face of even the ugliest woman are far more attractive, even unadorned, than the lips of her cunt. If a little lipstick can enhance the appearance of a girl's kisser, a few coats of paint to her pussy lips should work similar wonders--at least in theory.



One woman painted a red apple around her cunt, completing the illusion with the addition of a stem and a leaf at the top of the fruit. The effect was fairly aesthetic, although, had Eve offered a similar present to Adam in the Garden of Eden--well, let's just say she was wise to offer him something off a tree instead. The problem with this approach is not the technique itself--painting the pussy is a good idea, as I mentioned--but the choice of the picture with which she painted her pussy was ill advised. The pink flaps of her labia look like a wrinkled worm, and nobody likes a worm in his or her apple.



Other choices of images with which to adorn (that is, hide) the cunt include a Christmas tree, a butterfly, a tiger, a bird's nest (this snatch was trimmed, rather than shaved, which is a mistake, in my opinion), a cat's face, and a lotus flower. The idea seems to be to use the painting to depict a visual metaphor, but the figure of speech is a bit obvious, to say the least:



Pussy = gift, or maybe festive occasion (Christmas tree) Pussy = beauty (butterfly) Pussy = wild beast (tiger) Pussy = home (nest) Pussy = beauty (flower)



These ladies deserve an "A" for effort, perhaps, but earn an "F" for execution, which results in a combined grade of "C," and the cunt remains only slightly less repulsive than it is shaved and unadorned.



Women wear tiaras, facial jewelry, earrings, necklaces, armbands, bracelets, rings, nipple rings, navel rings or pins, and even toe rings. They'll stick an item of jewelry through anything or around anything they can. That includes the twat, too, for women who attempt to beautify their cunts. The approaches that such women take almost equal the variety of jewelry that get-rich-quick entrepreneurs have devised for bejeweling these nether lips.



One design consists of a half-clamp that hooks over the labia, scrunching the lips together into a sort of closed funnel. A series of small silver balls, attached to either side of the clasp dangle alongside the pouting pussy lips, supposedly thereby beautifying the wearer's cunt. (The key word, of course, is "supposedly.")



Another design relies upon piercing the labia by a pin upon either side of which are attached earring-like beads that dazzle the observer like a miniature chandelier. The jewelry itself, one must admit, is beautiful, but one unsightly problem remains unresolved: the charms are attached to, and associated with, a cunt.



Other women apparently trust to the maxim that "simpler is better," opting to wear but a single small ring, usually of silver or gold, through the lips of their pussies. Whether silver or gold, it is a lot to expect of a single ring, worn there, of all places, to accomplish the miracle of transforming something as repulsive as a cunt into a thing of beauty. Nevertheless, desperate women do desperate things.



Maybe neither shaving, painting, nor wearing designer jewelry are the answers to the problem of how to beautify the vagina. Maybe the solution is simply to relocate one's residence, or move. As hard as it may be to believe, some people actually prefer long labia--the longer, the better, in fact. By moving to one of these countries (and perhaps actually increasing the size of the guardians of the portal to sexual bliss by attaching weights to the labia), a woman may be able, at last, to find admirers of even the ugliest part of her body, the cunt. Of course, living in such backward, primitive places is not itself without drawbacks. African men (and, presumably, women) in particular appreciate outsize labia (just as they do steatopygia, or jutting buttocks), with the Hottentots, the Soga Bantu, the Baganda, the Lesotho, and the Tutsi especially ape-shit over lengthy labia, as the name "Hottentot apron," supplied by Dutch colonialists to describe these dangling appendages, suggests.



It's also possible to go the other route: by visiting the plastic surgeon of her choice, a woman can have a little corrective work done on her Dumbo-the-elephant-size labia, and, after a little nip and tuck, these "wings" can be clipped sufficiently so that milady need not exile herself to Africa or anywhere else.



Ladies, this suggests the ultimate solution for beautifying your cunt: give it up completely, undergo sex-reassignment surgery, and become a post-operative female-to-male transsexual, or transman. It ain't easy and it ain't cheap, but at least it's trendy, with several famous people opting for this method to beautify their cunts, the latest of whom is the former daughter of the pop duo Sonny and Cher, Chaz (formerly Chastity) Bono.



Once a hefty heifer, Chaz is now a heavyset man about town, sporting a crew cut but still in need of a bit more testosterone to eliminate his feminine facial fattiness and develop some muscle tone. His manly tattoos help, but he should lose the bracelet and necklace he wears (a wristwatch is enough jewelry for any real, red-blooded, all-American boy), and the peroxide on his hair is definitely effeminate. A bit more radical mastectomy might also be in order, too, and a beard and a mustache--or at least a goatee--would help Chaz be more of the man he could be.



As regards the problem of beautifying his cunt--well, it appears that Chaz has succeeded here, where so many other ladies have failed, and, therefore, this trendsetter points he way, as it were, to other ladies who want to look their loveliest, even down there. 

