TITLE    : Lingam Gnosis
STORYID  : lingam-gnosis
SUMMARY  : ...or, The Fine Art of Penis Reading.
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2011-02-25
CATEGORY : adult-humor
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |fortune|future|phallus|divination|


Since the beginning of time, men and women have been interested in knowing what the future will bring, and they have devised many a means for endeavoring to determine forthcoming events. Palm reading, the reading of tea leaves, the examination of animal innards, the casting of runes, the interpretation of the alignment of the stars and planets, and the reading of Tarot cards are only a few of the techniques of divination that mortals have developed.



None of these methods is as sexy (and fun), however, as lingam gnosis, or (for you dickheads who haven't yet learned English--or Sanskrit and Greek) penis reading. Males and shemales have the necessary equipment for such divination, and most, if not all women, will find themselves, sooner or later (and, in the case of attractive ladies, pretty much whenever she wants), able to borrow this paraphernalia.



Assuming that one has the cock and balls needed to divine the future through the fine art of lingam gnosis, here's how it's done (don't say you haven't ever learned at least one thing of importance in your many perusals of Literotica!).



First, determine which type of cock you're dealing with. Is it a thick, blunt instrument? If so, you have a club on (or in) your hands. Thin and long, it's a javelin. The millstone is a heavy, stubby protuberance. The dart is also short, but it tapers toward the tip.



Why do you need to know what type of cock you have on hand? Each type of prick is related to one of the four elements: club to earth; javelin to air; millstone to fire; and dart to water.



Each type is also usually associated with a particular variety of testicles: the earth-club cock is associated with big, hairy testicles; the javelin-air dick, with tight, round balls; the millstone-fire prick, with hard, medium-size nuts; and the dart-water dong, with large testes in a loose, wrinkled scrotum. However, this association is only generally present, and a cock may be paired with balls other than those with which it most frequently hangs out (so to speak). What counts, when all is said and done, is the shape of the dick, not the balls it hangs with.



What can we learn about the future from these types of dicks?



The man with a club for a cock can expect a mundane, practical future in which nothing special happens; whatever's coming (or cumming) is apt to be no big deal, so the club cock owner (or, if she's a she instead of a he or a he-she, borrower) should be prepared to take things in stride. Financially, the club cock holder is best advised to save his or her money for a rainy day, rather than to speculate in stocks. He or she should maximize 401k contributions and pray that Obama and his idiotic advisors don't screw up the economy even more than they already have. In fact, it may be best for the club to vote for the Republican ticket in the next presidential election.



The javelin can expect the future to bring slim pickings, indeed, and is well advised to save everything, spend nothing, and take a vow of poverty, even if he or she is not a Catholic monk or nun. The future, in other words, looks bleak, and there's not much that can be done about it except to save coupons and research ways to maximize one's savings. It might not be a bad idea to locate the nearest homeless shelter, visit the place, and get to know the unfortunate souls who reside there, for it is likely that, before long, these guys and dolls will be the javelin's roomies. While there's still time (and there may not be all that much, even of this commodity, left), the javelin should research the application process for obtaining welfare and other government aid; he or she is definitely going to need all the help that he or she can get. As far as the next presidential election is concerned, voting the Democratic ticket is the only way to go.



To have a millstone-shaped member is about as bad as having a millstone around one's neck. In case this metaphor is unfamiliar, it doesn't imply anything good. A millstone is heavy, and to have to carry one about, upon one's shoulders, would be to have a heavy and uncomfortable burden, indeed, especially if one were to be cast into the sea while he or she was still wearing this article of clothing (which is one reason that, back in the day, a man or a woman was outfitted with this fashion accessory). The millstone dick owner can expect a future of misery and woe, with one bad thing after another always just around the corner, coming toward one with the speed and weight of a semi. He or she is apt to die penniless and to live in poverty. Maybe it would be best to step in front of an actual semi, but, if one lacks the balls to put oneself out of one's misery, the next best thing that he or she can do, perhaps, is to vote for the Libertarian ticket.



The dart is likely to have a future that is bright with promise. Many opportunities will come his or her way, and, if he or she remains focused and plans to engage these opportunities as if they were targets instead of chances, the dart can realize a great deal of social, political, and economic success. The political ticket for the dart is the Independent one, and he or she should take careful risks in the stock market. It's possible, although not likely, that he or she could amass a fortune, but it is more likely that the dart will simply become well off. Still, compared to the dire economic fates of the dart's unfortunate penile peers, he or she should consider him- or herself to be fortunate, indeed. Aristotle, though long dead, has the best advice for the dart: he or she should exercise "moderation in all things."



But, wait! What about the most important thing of all? What can lingam gnosis tell one about his or her chance of getting laid anytime soon (or, for that matter, any time at all)?



This is the easiest question of all, which is why I saved answering it for last. In fact, it's such an easy matter to prognosticate that the chances for each penis type can be summarized in a few choice words:



Club = Fat chance.



Javelin = Slim chance to none.



Millstone = Ain't happening, ever



Dart = Bull's-eye!



Oh! And a word of caution! If your prick is uncircumcised (uncut, for you dickheads who haven't yet learned English--or Greek), everything I've said is only partially true and will be much harder to discern or recognize when it does come along. And if you have a bent pecker, every prediction will come true in reverse. By the way, phalloplasty (plastic surgery on the penis, for you dickheads who haven't yet learned English--or Greek) won't change anything.

