TITLE    : The Lexicon of Humorous Erotica
STORYID  : the-lexicon-of-humorous-erotica
SUMMARY  : In a word, what's in a word?
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2009-07-30
CATEGORY : adult-humor
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |writing advice|writing how-to|erotic humor|sex humor|writing erotica|


"The difference," Mark Twain said, "between the right word and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." Word choice, or diction, in other words, matters--a lot.



No writer with his or her salt would argue otherwise, and it's hard for a writer of humor to argue with the likes of Twain, anyway, who is, arguably, the world's greatest humorist.



Erotic humorists, therefore, would be well advised to consider their choice of words, using those which are best suited to amusement and learning to turn, as it were, a "phunny phrase."



In this essay, I'd like to consider various possibilities for the naming of human body parts of the kind that people, by and large, consider to be sexual or erogenous or both. (For women, of course, that's pretty much the entire body, from head to toe; caressing a naked woman is like walking through a minefield, except that the mines are explosive with passion, not death, which is good for both parties!) Men are more select (or, women might argue, more limited), finding pretty much only the cock erogenous, and, even then, mostly just the underside of the glans, or frenulum (that's "dickhead," for you dickheads).



Let's start where women start, at the top of the head, and go down on our imaginary specimens of fine manhood and finer womanhood, albeit without considering every hair follicle, mole, wart, and flake of dandruff to be worthy of our consideration, and ascertain, in the process, which terms to reckon "lightning bugs" and which to account as "lightning," so to speak, in the lexicon of humorous erotica.



Our first stop, as every red-blooded American male is concerned, at least (the ladies will, at this point, still be examining the scalp for its erogenous possibilities), is, of course, the mammary glands. We can reject "mammary glands" right away, because, although the term might be used humorously in a paraphrase of Bob Hope's "Thanks for the memories," as "Thanks for the mammaries," it becomes pretty useless thereafter. Let's list our other alternatives: "boobs," "breasts," "jugs," "knockers," "melons," "tits," "titties." There may be a few others, but these seem to represent the terms most frequently used in reference to women's chests. 



"Breasts" can be dismissed immediately, because it is the polite and accepted term in general usage; therefore, it's about as neutral in connotation as it's possible for any word that refers to a woman's tits to be. It's good for erotica in general, but, because of its denotative nature, it's not all that viable a candidate for the erotic humorist.



The rest, it seems, are all pretty phunny, and, for that reason, should be accepted into the lexicon of humorous erotica. (My own favorite is "boobs." Not only is it a palindrome, but it also just looks phunny.)



Remember, writers of humorous erotica, to use alliteration, when possible, and personification, to tickle your female reader's fancy or your male reader's phunny bone (yes, that's a euphemism for the penis). For example, characterize boobs as "bouncy" or "buoyant"; jugs as "jiggly"; knockers as "knockouts"; melons as "magnificent"; and tits as "terrific." The word "titties" (reserved for smaller tits) can be described as "tittering" or as "titillating." (See? You're smiling right now, or would be, had you either a fancy or a phunny bone to tickle.)



Next stop: the genitals. Ladies first. What are our choices? "Beaver," "cunt," "pussy," "twat," and "vagina" seem, for the most part, to be it, unless "gash" and the like are included. Of course, the catchy and humorous declaration that "nothing could be finer than to be in a vagina in the morning" notwithstanding, "vagina" should be rejected immediately, on the same grounds that "mammary glands" and "breasts" were dismissed. In fact, a general principle can be derived from clinical jargon itself: if the term is used by medical professionals, it shouldn't be used by writers of humorous erotica. According to this rule, we can toss "mammary glands," "breasts," "vagina," "clitoris," "labia," "testicles," "penis," "anus," "buttocks," "rectum," and a few others, such as hemorrhoids, which, depending on just how kinky one is when it comes to sex, might be considered sexy (and/or humorous) by one or two extreme fetishists.



Where were we? Oh, yes. The pussy. I maintain that "beaver," "cunt," "pussy," and "twat" are all acceptable terms for the writer of humorous erotica. Although "cunt" sounds a little hard edged, it also sounds sort of phunny, and I laugh my ass off just at the sight, let alone the sound, of "twat." Again, don't forget the erotic humorist's friends, alliteration and personification. There's no reason not to write about a "bristling" beaver, a "cantankerous" cunt, a "prim and proper" pussy, a "tempting" twat, or, for that matter, a "lippy" labia or a "castigated" clit. (See? You're smiling right now, or would be, had you either a fancy or a phunny bone to tickle.)



If you're describing the male genitals, you also have a few options. The penis can be called a "cock," a "dick," a "dingus," a "dong," a "prick," or a "privy member" (or even just a "member"). "Penis" is out, for the same reason that "mammary glands," "breasts," "vagina," "clitoris," and "labia" didn't make the cut--too clinical. I mean, unless he (or she) is a pervert, that's pretty much what your doctor's going to call your manhood, unless, of course, you're a she instead of a he.



Like "cunt," "cock" sounds a little hard edged, or, perhaps, I should say "hardheaded" (because puns are phunny, or are supposed to be), but "cock" can be phunny at times, depending on the overall context of the humorous piece (yes, that is another pun). The rest are also fine, it seems to me, and some virtually guarantee a snicker or a snigger just by making an appearance in a sentence. Again, a list of appropriate and inappropriate alliterative adjectives and pugnacious personifications help the helpless humorist of erotica. (Check my article on "Anatomical Characterization, which could have been, but wasn't, written by Edgar Allan Poe, for additional suggestions beyond the scope of this essay, or even reason itself; you'll be sorry that you did.) For the glans, "dickhead" is indispensable to humorists, especially of the female variety, who will be likely to have much more occasion to use it than their male counterparts.



The clinically correct "testicles" and "testes" are out, but "balls," "nuts," and "stones" remain as possibilities, and, again, depending on what the hell you do with them, they can be phunny (or maybe just funny.)



"Buttocks" sounds pretty funny, if not phunny (if you don't know the difference between these two terms, don't try to write humorous erotica, because the whole subject is beyond your puny and puerile understanding of Great Things like Humor and Wit, and you probably don't think that this hilarious essay is phunny, or even funny, either, dickhead!) Now. Back to the issue at hand. "Ass" gets a pass; it's phunny. "Butt," although just a shortened, disguised version of "buttocks" is funny, especially since it can be combined with "head" to form an amusing epithet ("butthead," for you buttheads). "Can" should be canned, unless one is referring to hams. "Derriere" sounds silly, as most French words do, so let's keep it. "Duff" is good, because it can be applied to Hilary (or maybe even to Hillary Clinton). "Fundament" is too fundamental to be witty. "Gluteus maximus" is too clinical. "Keister"--gotta love it! "Posterior"? Please! "Rump" is funny. "Tush" or "tushie"? Maybe. Again, alliteration and personification can do amazing things, even with the ever-popular poop chute. (See? You're smiling right now, or would be, had you either a fancy or a phunny bone to tickle.)



So? You see? When we get rid of the dead wood, there's a lot of good lumber left in the woodpile of the humorous lexicon, or, to return to Twain's original comparison, a lot of lightning, despite the presence of a few lightning bugs. 

