TITLE    : The Victoria’s Secret Girls
STORYID  : the-victoria-s-secret-girls
SUMMARY  : They're not just pretty; they're personable, too!
AUTHOR   : Cal Y. Pygia@lit
DATE     : 2010-01-12
CATEGORY : celebrity-stories
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |humor|satire|funny|wit|bra|fashion|lingerie|model|panties|runway|


Victoria has a secret, which she tells to everyone. It's the same secret that Hugh Hefner, Bob Guccione, and Larry Flynt, among others, have been revealing to the world since the 1950's: women have tits and asses (and cunts).



According to Wickepedia, "Victoria's Secret 'Angels' are a small group of models contracted to the company, and as such are the brand's most visible models and spokeswomen." Unlike the company's other models, these girls are people, too, or so they claim. Some of the more interesting among them are Adriana Lima, Heidi Klum, Alessandra Ambrosia, and Miranda ("The Buddhist Bitch") Kerr. 



Adriana Lima is a Catholic. To prove it, she reads her Bible backstage between her semi-nude appearances on the lingerie runway. She looks the part, one must agree: she has a wholesome face. . . and breasts. There's even something vaguely Christian about her long, silken legs. And, she says, she is, like Mother Mary, a Virgin--but a virgin with really great legs and an ass that just won't quit. She was a virgin, anyway, until she married. A girl should remain intact, she believes, until she ties the knot. In 2009, she wed Serbian basketball player Marco Jaric, so now everyone knows who busted her cherry. (She could have had any man she wanted, and she settles for this guy? What the hell was she thinking?)



PETA supporter Heidi Klum married a seal in 2005. She was not a virgin, though, having been married to Ric Pipino before she wed the seal; she also dated Flavio Briatore, by whom she had a baby whom she claims is really the world's first animal-human hybrid: "Seal," she insists "is the baby's father," not Briatore. She is proud, she says, of her "patchwork family," whatever that means. In addition to modeling her curves on lingerie runways, Klum has appeared in several X-rated movies, including Blowjob (2001), in which she played Jizz; Ella Entered (2004), as Broomholder; and Perfectly Strange (2007) (as a Victoria's Secret assassin and party hostess).



Alessandra Ambrosia, or "Angel's Food," was born in Erection, Brazil, in 1981, of Polish and Italian parents. "My dad poled a guinea," she says. She is a devotee of the Brazilian Butt Lift, a sexual position that, she is adamant, "keeps me callipygian instead of steatopygian." In a remake of the movie Casino Royale (2006), she plays Tennis Girl #1, a role that was played in the original film by transsexual superstar and fellow Victoria's Secret model Caroline ("Tulips") Cossey.



Miranda Kerr (nee, Cur) changed her name because her original surname means "dog," and, she says, "gave people the impression that I'm some kind of bitch," especially since I'm a "mutt" of Serbian, Iranian, Turkish, and Filipino descent." Despite the U. S. war on Arab terrorism, Kerr has fared well as a Victoria's Secret model. Unlike most of her colleagues, celeb paparazzi Russell James says, "she's not stupid," despite "her beautiful tits and awesome ass." A Buddhist, Kerr is thankful for the good karma she apparently racked up, judging by her own rack, in her previous life. "Whatever I did, I did it right, judging by my current package," she boasts. She dates fellow Buddhist actor Orlando Bloom, with whom, she says, she has set "several bushfires, and I'm not talking about the ones in the Aussie outback" in the aftermath of which she helped raise funds.



Both Ambrosia and Kerr are also known as "Pink Pussies," ostensibly because they model Victoria's Secret's so-called Pink line of fashion lingerie, although it should be kept in mind that "pink" is also often a euphemism for pussy, because pussy is "pink" inside, and these models have been known, like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan, to "flash a little pink" at times, both on and off the fashion runway.



When one of the Victoria's Secret Angels' popularity begins to sag a little, whether from overexposure or otherwise, the company often outfits her in its "Fantasy Bra," feminine fashion's equivalent, as it were, to the medieval codpiece. Fashioned of jewels, the bra is purely decorative, designed not so much to support or even to lift and separate as to draw attention to the wearer's tits. These bras have been worn by some of the biggest, uh, names in the modeling business, including Claudia Schiffer, who sported the Million Dollar Miracle Bra; Tyra Banks, who wore the Diamond Dream Bra; Karolina Kurkova, who modeled the Hearts on Fire Diamond Fantasy Bra; and Marisa Miller, who flaunted her rack in the Harlequin Fantasy Bra. The least expensive bra has been the Million Dollar Miracle Bra ($1,000,000; hence, its name); the most expensive, to date, Gisele Bundchen's Red Hot Fantasy Bra, which included gem-studded panties as well ($15,000,000).



Victoria's Secret is not the only fashion designer of milady's unmentionables. One of its biggest, stiffest competitors is Frederick's of Hollywood. The company was founded by Frederick Mellinger, who invented the push-up foundation garment way back in 1946, when conical breasts were all the rage. Unfortunately, the company went bust in 2001, reemerging from bankruptcy and relocating to New York City two years later. Lesser-known models have strutted their--or, rather, Frederick's--stuff for the company, which may be one reason that its lingerie is second in popularity to Victoria's Secret's unmentionables: Pamela Anderson, Brooke Burke, Nicky Hilton, Cindy Margolis, and Monica ("The Mouth") Lewinsky have been unable to generate the same intensity of interest in Frederick's lingerie as Victoria Secret's models have pumped up for its brand, possibly because they lack the personalities that the Angels and Pink Pussies have. Anderson is known mostly for her supporting role in Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee's amateur sex video; Burke for her cha cha and quickstep on Dances with Wannabe Stars, Hilton for being Paris' little sister; Margolis for being the "most downloaded" image on the Internet back in 2000; and Lewinsky for her taste in blue dresses.



The greater popularity of Victoria's Secret just goes to show that being popular isn't all about T &amp; A; personality is what puts a girl on top.

