TITLE    : Defining &quot;Sexy&quot;
STORYID  : defining-andquot-sexyandquot_2007
SUMMARY  : Discourse balancing appearance versus attitude.
AUTHOR   : Wolf Bennington@lit
DATE     : 2007-07-21
CATEGORY : reviews-and-essays
FLAGS    : 
TAGS     : |sexy|sexual|outlook|attitude|behavior|


Going into this essay I have to recognize a few things that every reader should be aware of when discussing such a topic:



1) "Sexy", like "attractive" are entirely subjective perceptions. What I consider to be sexy and another male (or female) reader consider to be sexy may be entirely different.



2) I'm basing this essay on my experience as a mid-40s year old white male who has been sexually active for close to three decades.



3) My experience with women has been sufficiently varied that I believe my observations apply to most sizes, colors, hair colors, eye colors, etc of woman. The one caveat that I have to put in here is that I've never been romantically involved with a woman of Asian decent.



That all said, I found myself in a conversation not that long ago about what actually made a woman sexy. I quickly realized that there are a host of commonly used terms that identify stereotypes, but don't necessarily identify an attitude or a behavior. For me, as I thought about it, behavior and attitude were the large part of what made a woman sexy.



Please understand: I absolutely believe that a woman has to be physically attractive to even be considered a sexy individual. However, physical attraction takes many different forms and, in my experience, a strongly sexual outlook can outweigh a lack of great physical beauty. As an example I'll cite a woman I'll call Brenda -- two of them in fact. One was well over six feet tall and her physique would best be described as LARGE. Although she could definitely lose some weight, she wasn't disgustingly fat. She had a few pounds that she didn't need, but they were all well distributed. Because of her height, her added weight could almost be viewed as intimidating. The idea of her riding me was scary. After a few weeks of working with her and getting to know her through casual conversation, I came to realize that not only was she quite comfortable with her size and appearance, she very much enjoyed sex -- and not because she wasn't getting it very often. She wasn't sex starved; she was sex hungry. 



Once I'd recognized that, and said something about it, our conversations often revolved around likes, dislikes, techniques, positions, etc. One skill she felt she possessed and was quite proud of was her ability to perform oral sex on a man of any equipment size. Brenda made it clear that no matter how big a man's cock was, she would find a way to deep throat it and she took delight in having a man cum in her mouth. That wasn't because she enjoyed the flavor -- she flat out said that sometimes it didn't taste good -- but instead because her ability to make a man cum was proof that she had exerted sexual control over him. I had to question that and she explained that some men didn't WANT to cum in her mouth, instead wanting her to just get them hard and then let them fuck her. Sure, she'd admit to being interested in and enjoying the fuck, but she took a sense of pride from the fact that she could make that man cum in her mouth whether he wanted to or not. The pride she had in her sexual prowess brought to her a sexuality that one wouldn't normally attack to a woman her size -- because of stereotypes and commonalities in what most consider "attractive".



The other Brenda was much shorter -- being about five foot four inches -- and was fairly round. She'd had two children, was divorced, and had no motivation to maintain an attractive figure. She had a very open attitude about sex -- viewing it as purely recreational -- and made it quite clear when we met that she both found me attractive and would love to have sex with me. Not being one to rush into things -- most of the time -- I took a few weeks to get to know her, what her tastes were, what she liked, didn't like, etc. What I found out was that she had no dislikes. Aside from not wanting to have anything to do with bodily waste, if it was a sexual act, she either had tried it and enjoyed it or wanted to try it. In her own words, "There's nothing sexual that I don't want to do." When I asked if that included with women, she repeated the sentence word for word. Again, although her physical form wasn't what the world at large would immediately identify as "sexy", her outlook and hunger made me view her as very sexual. She turned out to be a fantastic sex partner whose appetites for adventure and experimentation easily matched my own.



At the other extreme are women who are too small to be stereotyped as sexy. I dated a woman for awhile who was five feet tall and weighed about 105 pounds. Her A-cup breasts (really just erect nipples on a soft curve) were very sensitive though and her hunger for sex was impressive. She got mad at me once because we hadn't had sex for a week due to work schedules and I had been up for about 36 hours and was quite tired. She fussed and fumed until I finally said, "Hey; you get it hard; you ride it. I have no problem with sex, but I'm exhausted." She did and quite thoroughly used my erect cock to satisfy her needs. She was even kind enough to give me a handjob when she was done saying that she was sure I'd sleep better if I'd enjoyed an orgasm. I certainly slept well. That particular young lady was more than willing to go out in public in a summer dress with no undergarments; flash men and/or women; experiment with women; freely admitted her fantasies of having two (or more) men at the same time; and more. She was no bikini model, but she proved to be very sexy.



One of the women I found most attractive when I first met her I eventually did end up in bed with her and it was probably the worst sex of my life. Now, I know plenty of people say, "There's no such thing as bad sex." Well, when you've been in bed for a couple of hours with a woman, and she's cum a couple times but you're no where close and getting bored... so bored that you tell her, "Thanks for a good time," just to get her to leave so you can jerk off -- the sex was bad. I wouldn't have gotten in bed with her again at all. Never did. But she was an absolutely beautiful woman with a fantastic body. But in bed she had a very limited list of things she wanted to do, wasn't willing to even think about trying new things, and -- oddly enough -- thought that what she was doing was making me feel better than anyone ever had before. She had overwhelming amounts of confidence as a lover, and none of it was warranted in my opinion.



Looking at those four women -- with absolutely no knowledge of their sexual outlook or performance -- I'd have rated the last one as most sexy followed by the second to last (5-01, 105 pounds) and then the other two. But in reality, the two less attractive women, based purely on physical appearance, proved to be the more sexual and more sexually satisfying women.



Once I experienced that realization, I had to ask myself then what exactly makes a woman sexy?



It's definitely not a physical appearance. Certainly, like every other heterosexual male in the world, I enjoy viewing well built beautiful women scantily clad or naked. I enjoy seeing various parts of their body up close, but for viewing pleasure I'd much prefer to see the whole woman presented not as if she were at her gynecologist's for an exam. But being beautiful and well built obviously doesn't make a woman entirely sexy -- as was proven by the gorgeous lady who I found so boring in bed that I eventually asked her to leave. Jerking off was more satisfying.



The attitude of the other three women played a huge role in how sexy they proved to be. I happen to like full figured (but not FAT) women and would prefer to be with one of them sexually over a rail thin woman like the third one cited above. But that woman's hunger for sex; lack of shame in her desires; and willingness to try anything once was exciting. That openness was what I identified as the key for myself.



Many women are beautiful. Many women are average looking. Many beautiful women eventually grow into being average looking. Some women will simply never been physically attractive but aren't ugly either. They're just plain for lack of a better word. That plain looking woman can be just as sexy and sexual as the average or beautiful woman. All it takes is the right outlook. What should that outlook be? Here's where I get totally subjective and I'd welcome the feedback of others.



I enjoy a woman who enjoys sex. I've been with women who felt like it was a female duty in a relationship to provide their man with sexual relief. That is truly boring and unattractive to me. Even if I DID want a sex slave (and who doesn't at times?) I'd want her to at least be enjoying everything she was ordered to do or submit to. For a woman to be sexy, first and foremost, she has to ENJOY sex.



Second she needs not to be ashamed of that. Our society spent so many decades dolling out labels that were attached to sexual enjoyment -- words like slut, whore, skank -- that the implied negative connotation was attached: any woman who actually liked sex had to have something wrong with her. And God forbid she actually WANT it. What in wrong with that picture? Lots. An adult female who enjoys sex and wants sexual satisfaction as much as her male counterpart is nothing more or less than a healthy adult female. We all learned in basic psychology that every animal on the plant has three basic needs and one of them is sex. Humans and dolphins (as far as I know) are the only animals who have sex purely for pleasure. Because we can, is there something wrong for us with wanting to? Obviously not. So I appreciate and find more stimulating a woman who enjoys sex and isn't ashamed of that fact.



Next item is an energetic participation. Again, I've known women who enjoy sex and aren't ashamed of it, but then they limit their own sexual behavior so that they become little more than a female form to be used or pleasured or (if they're lucky) both. Any woman who enjoys sex and doesn't hide that but then gets into a bed and expects her male lover to take the lead 100% of the time and do 95% of the work, to me, is either lazy or ashamed. Does she THINK it's okay to enjoy sex and SAY it's okay to enjoy sex but then think there's something wrong with ACTING like she enjoys sex? Maybe. Or maybe she's just lazy. Either way, I'm not excited by a woman who lets me undress her and then lets me pleasure her and then lets me take my pleasure from her. I enjoy a lover who is as eager to get my clothes off as I am to get hers off; who is as eager to explore my body as I am to explore her body; who takes as much delight from using her body to pleasure mine as I do from using mine to pleasure hers; and who seeks my climax as eagerly as I seek multiple ones from her.



A willingness to experiment is a beautiful thing. Yes, I think there probably is a limit to what two people can do together sexually, but that list is pretty long. When a couple gets to the point where their sex life involves, "He does this; she does that; they do this and then get cleaned up," it's stale and going down the drain. New positions, new rhythms, new methods are all exciting to at least try. If you both like them try them some more. If ONE of you likes the something new, and the other isn't disgusted or uncomfortable with it, then try it again some time. Give that particular sexual experience as a gift to your lover. "I know you really like this, so let's do it." If the new sexual experiment causes either of you unwanted pain (because some people DO want pain) then don't do it again. I go back to the labels. I had a lover who refused to take me doggy style because "only sluts do that." Yeah? Well, I've been with plenty of women who truly enjoy being fucked hard doggy style and not a single one of them did I ever consider a slut.



An openness about fantasies and curiosities has to be on my list of what makes a woman sexy. Everyone in the world has fantasies. Sure, some of them are pretty far out there. Some of them might be dangerous. Some of them are pretty simple. But the bottom line is this: If you're going to be sexually involved with some one -- which is the ultimate in being intimate -- then don't you think you should be able to at least TELL them your fantasies? That undiscussed fantasy is a sexual repression that may well become a sexual regret one day down the road. I, for one, don't want to go to my grave thinking, "I wish I had..." and the only reason I'm having that regret is because I was too shy or ashamed to tell my lover what fantasies I have. SHARE your fantasies. Discuss them. A great many people find out that discussing their fantasies in detail really turns them on -- and their partner too. It can lead to newly energetic sexual activity.



The example I'll give you is my own wife: I have a fantasy about seeing her fuck another man. She has shared the fantasy she has about having sex with two men at the same time. To me these are mutually supportive fantasies: if she gets two men and the same time (assuming one is me) I get to see her fuck another man. Our past sexual experimentation shows that she enjoys more intense orgasms when she experiences them while vaginally penetrated by a larger phallus than my own erect cock, so I take the next step and enjoy the idea of her being fucked by another man who is better equipped then I am. We've discussed these fantasies and at times they've enlivened our sex. At present she doesn't see every making either fantasy a reality, but she enjoys the fantasy and isn't ashamed to discuss it with me. A woman who will freely talk about her likes, dislikes, wants, doesn't wants, fantasies, etc is far more sexy than a woman who expects me to read her mind and hope I've guessed right about what she wants.



Finally I'll throw on spontaneity and surprise. When your sex life gets to the point where you're scheduling an appointment to fuck, there's a problem. I know that some parents have to do this simply because of the demands of family scheduling, but beyond that restriction sex is much more fun when it occurs at unexpected times and in unexpected places. That 5-10, 105 pound woman I mentioned at the beginning once came to my job -- on a midnight shift -- and enjoyed a surprise visit. When she was leaving and I walked her out to her car, we got to the trunk and she said, "You know what would really be nice if we could do?"



I asked, "What's that?"



Her reply was to pull up her dress -- and she was wearing nothing under it, although I hadn't realized that until just then -- bent over the trunk and said, "It would be great if you could just fuck me hard right here."



The location was isolated. There was no one around to see us. She had been thinking about doing this through our entire visit so she was already dripping wet. By the time I got my pants down to my ankles I was rock hard and did the best I could to give her a good fucking right there. It was a surprise. It was unexpected. It was definitely an unexpected location.



Another young lady I was dating once was working security for a theater. She worked the midnight shift and was typically the only person in the building. I took her a surprise desert one night and she gave me a tour of the theater. When we got to the costume room she pulled me over to a sofa, gave me a really energetic blow job and then got on my cock to ride until she'd cum several times. Then she got on her knees on the sofa, bent over the back -- looking directly through the window down onto the stage -- and told me as I took her from behind about how much she really wanted to be fucked on that stage while the theater was full. Unexpected surprise indeed.



So, as I look back on all that thinking about what makes a woman "sexy" I realized that far more of it has to do with her outlook; her appetite; her openness than it does with how she looks. Again, yes, beautiful well built women are wonderful to look at and sometimes make great sex partners. But what makes them great sex partners is not their looks -- it's their attitude toward sex and how they behave based on that attitude. 

