My Sleep Is Dreamless 
Submitted by Pleaser

I sit here crushed, not knowing what to think or
what to write.

It had been the stuff of my dreams for the longest
time. Secretly at first, then openly, after I
discovered an internet sex forum and learned that
others harbored the same secret dreams I did.
Knowing that so many others shared my
obsession gave me courage. It lifted the veil of
fear under which I had lain for so long.

Where to begin? The beginnings are simple. This
is a story about me and my wife. We met, we fell
in love (or so we thought), we married.

I don't know when the thoughts began. It certainly
was not out of dissatisfaction with our conjugal
life. We made love passionately, in all ways, at all
times. There was no question that somehow
something was lacking.

Or was there? I can't give you an analysis of why.
I hate the glib analyses that are always tossed in
the faces of men like me. All I know is it was my
dream, and the excitement this dream touched off
in me was a golden lure, a sparkle at the far
horizon of my eroticism that never flickered as it
beckoned me forward.

I wanted to watch, that's all. I simply wanted to
watch another man make love to my wife. Just
thinking about it made me hard. And when I
found the sex forum and found that others felt the
same way, I felt the giddy excitement of a man
discovering a world he had seen in his dreams,
but never for a moment thought really existed.

But it exists, it surely does. And its existence
allowed me to make plans.

It wasn't easy. I had to plant a seed and nurture it
through the harshest imaginable conditions. To
make my strange dream come true, I had to
reveal it to my wife. Her initial reaction was even
worse than I had feared.

"You don't love me."

"Of course I do. This has nothing to do with love."

"You're crazy. You have no respect for me. You
must think I'm some kind of whore."

"No, no, no, NO! I'm proposing this for both of
us. Come on, be honest, admit the idea excites
you as much as it does me."

It didn't, not at first. But I began talking about it all
the time, forcing her to think about it. I wrote her
long fantasies describing what it would be like. I
made her visit the sex forum on the web and read
what other watchers had written. I exchanged
e-mails with watchers who posted there. I put my
wife in touch with their wives, so she could see
from them just how erotic my proposition was.

I never gave up. I just kept hammering away.

Over time, she began to relent a little. The seed
began sprouting little tendrils, small roots in the
soil of her psyche. The more we talked about it,
the more her interest seemed to grow, the weaker
her natural reluctance became. When she began
to contribute imaginary details of what it would be
like, as we fantasized together, I began to think
that my dream would somehow become true after
all.

The time came when we had to start making
practical plans. We settled on a stranger from an
ad in a sex publication. He and I met to establish
the ground rules. I was nervous as hell, but he
was brimming with confidence. He'd done this
many times before. He assured me he saw it as a
one-time thing, that he wouldn't attempt to make
contact again, that there would be no
complications.

He didn't lie. From his end, at least, there were no
complications. All the trouble came from the most
unexpected source.

We did it at a hotel last weekend. When the
knock came at the door of our suite, my wife
looked at me, the expression on her face curiously
neutral.

"I'm doing this because I love you," she said.

I kissed her lightly on the mouth, then went to
open the door.

We were all nervous, but several rounds of drinks
soothed us. Then, quite suddenly, my wife stood
and removed all her clothes. This was the moment
I had been waiting for for years -- my wife naked
in front of a stranger. But something very strange
was going on inside of me. I suddenly felt
tremendous fear and discomfort.

I must be honest and tell you I really can't bear to
describe for you the events which followed. There
was no violence, there were no scenes. I simply
sat there and watched this stranger fuck my wife.
It was anything but the turn-on I had been
expecting for so long. It was, in fact, terribly
clumsy and awkward. I wanted to turn away, but
I forced myself to look on, as this stranger
eventually possessed my wife physically, as I sank
deeper and deeper into numbed horror.

Don't mistake me. My reaction wasn't connected
to any aspect of my wife's deportment as this
stranger fucked her. The fact of the matter is, I
can't remember her deportment at all. I have no
idea whether he pleased her or not, whether she
came or not, nothing like that. I simply don't
remember.

All I remember is that the stranger finally finished
and left. My wife looked up at me from the bed. I
looked back at her. We said nothing. Suddenly I
turned, ran to the bathroom and vomited violently.
Then I cleaned myself up and left the room,
without looking in my wife's eyes again.

I haven't seen her since. I don't know when I will
see her again. I don't take her calls. I'm living in
the spare room of a friend, but soon I'm going to
move into a small apartment over a garage. I don't
know what to do, I don't know what to think. I
feel unhinged. I can't remember things. I just drift.
I'm having trouble at work. I don't know what to
do. I don't know what to think.
