"Jerry Springer" 
by c.w. cobblestone

They call it the Green Room, but it's actually painted blue.
However, the color of the walls was the least of my problems as I
sat nervously in the room backstage. I had good reason to be afraid
- I was about to appear on The Jerry Springer Show and I didn't know
why.

The room was soundproof, so I couldn't hear what my wife was talking
about onstage. This was going to be one of those "surprise" shows,
the producer had explained earlier. So they stuck me in the back
room for the first 10 minutes of the show while Tammy went on camera
to talk about whatever she was going to surprise me with. Every now
and then I could faintly make out the sound of the studio audience.
It sounded like they were laughing.

Suddenly the door swung open and two musclebound men wearing black
"Jerry Springer" tee-shirts strode in.

"It's time for your big moment," one of them said cheerfully. "Your
15 minutes of fame are about to start."

"Let's go, pal," the other one added firmly. "We gotta make our cue."

I felt like a doomed man walking to the electric chair as I made my
way unsteadily through the corridor that led to the stage. As soon
as I walked through the stage curtain, I knew what was up: I saw my
wife sitting onstage, holding hands with a black man I'd never seen
before.

The audience howled as I staggered across the set toward the empty
chair next to my wife. It was the longest walk I've ever taken in my
life: with each step, the audience laughed even louder. All the
while, my beautiful wife Tammy was sneering at me, laughing along
with the audience, while the black guy just leaned back in his chair
and smiled.

I finally made it to my seat. As I sat down, Tammy snuggled up to
the black guy and gave him a sloppy kiss. The audience hooted and
roared. I wanted to die.

I looked out into the sea of leers, and my blood ran cold. The
expressions on the audience members' faces was terrifying. They
looked like a pack of wild hyenas, ready for blood.

I sat there in stunned silence for a few seconds before I even
noticed Jerry standing in front of his audience. He had his
microphone cocked on his shoulder, waiting for the laughter to die
down before he asked his first question. Finally, he held his hand
up for silence, and the audience immediately obeyed their hero's
command.

Jerry looked at me seriously. "Doug, your wife has a secret she's
been keeping from you," he said. I looked down at my shoes. It
didn't take a genius to figure out what was coming next.

Tammy smiled at me. "Dougie, this is James," she said, motioning
toward the black man. "I've been sleeping with him throughout our
entire marriage!"

That brought renewed laughter from the audience, and my head started
to swim. A million thoughts ran through my mind during the next few
seconds, until finally, I couldn't take it any longer. Through my
haze of pain and confusion, I felt myself get up and lunge toward
the big black man sitting on the other side of my wife. 

It was no match; he immediately grabbed my flailing fist, then
slapped me hard across the face twice before the big guys in the
black "Jerry Springer" tee-shirts could seperate us. 

I held my hand over my face and slumped in my chair. I could feel
the tears soaking the palm of my hand. I didn't want to look up and
face the audience, which was louder than ever, whipped up by the
altercation. So I just sat there with my head buried in my hands.

Jerry kept things moving: "Doug, Tammy tells us you have a rather
odd sex fantasy, and that's why she cheats on you," he said. "Could
you tell us about that?"

I didn't even get a chance to explain - Tammy jumped in before I
could say a word. "I'll tell you about it: he keeps telling me he
wants to be my slave!" she said.

The audience roared, and Jerry shook his head and smiled. "Is that
true, Doug?" he asked. "Are you into that sort of thing?"

I looked over at my wife. How could she do this to me? I'd been a
perfectly good husband over the past three years: I always took out
the garbage, and even ironed Tammy's outfits for work. I felt
totally betrayed.

Jerry repeated his question: "Doug, do you want your wife to treat
you like a slave?"

I didn't know what to say. I looked into the maze of cameras, then
back down at my shoes. This was television; everyone would know I
was lying anyway, I thought. I'd probably look like an even bigger
fool if I tried to cover it up. I figured the jig was up.

"Y-yes, that is one of my fantasies," I croaked. Then I looked into
my wife's smiling eyes. "But...why, Tammy? Why?"

She snuggled closer to James. "I'll tell you why - because you're a
pervert who can't hold a job, and James here gives me everything I
need!"

Again, the audience jumped to its feet. Jerry again held up his
hand, but this time it took a few seconds for the noise to die down.

Finally, Jerry addressed my wife. "Tammy, if you feel that way about
him, why don't you just get a divorce?"

Tammy was ready with an answer: "Because if I divorced the loser,
he'd kill himself, and I don't want to be responsible!"

The audience was silent now. Jerry looked at me almost
sympathetically. "Is that true, Doug? Your wife says you'd kill
yourself if she divorced you. Have you told her that before?"

"Y-yes, I have," I whispered.

That wasn't good enough for Jerry: "Why would you kill yourself,
Doug? It seems to me that staying in this marriage would cause you
more pain than getting a divorce would."

I looked deep into Jerry's beady eyes, hiding behind his glasses. I
could see that this man didn't give a rat's ass about me - he was
just trying to elicit a good response.

But, again, I felt like I had to tell the truth. The whole world was
watching.

"B-but I love her, Jerry," I said, my lip quivering. "I couldn't
face life without her!"

That remark brought the house down. I could see men in the back row,
shaking their fists in the air, while women high-fived each other.
Once again, Jerry held up his hand for silence.

Jerry adjusted his glasses and looked at my wife. "Tammy, why do you
treat him like this? He says he loves you."

"I know he loves me," she shot back. "He tells me every day."

"But you obviously don't love him."

"Well," my wife drawled. "I do have some love for him, yes."

"Then why in the world do you treat him like this?" Jerry asked again.

"Because he likes it," Tammy said.

More howls. Jerry walked to the other end of the stage.

"James, what do you have to say about all this?" he asked. "Don't
you feel guilty for sleeping with another man's wife?"

"What do I have to feel guilty for?" James answered. "If he don't
know how to please his old lady, somebody's got to do it!"

Another round of laughter, then Jerry turned toward one of the
cameras.

"We'll be back with questions from our audience, right after these
messages."


COMING SOON: DOUG GETS SOME SAGE ADVICE FROM AN AUDIENCE MEMBER
WEARING A POLYESTER SUN DRESS...AND A COUNSELOR SUGGESTS A 12-STEP
PROGRAM FOR OUR HERO!

(Just kidding. I think I'll mercifully end this story right here!)

  
