Yeah, having done some real digging into google, I was well out of the game by that stage.
I've posted a thread in the suggestions (link in my signature) to guage interest in me posting my archive here (something I've been concidering and our chat has made me act
)
{I'm familiar with Nikki's work...maybe I'll comment on your thoughts in the thread for her since we've derailed this one so much
)
As always with me, my niche tastes are needles in a haystack, I check everything, if I hadn't purged Most (never get everything) the BDSM & FemDom Stuff the A-Z folder was much bigger, but most of that was from 8muses, or here.
No problem, my entire life is derailing right now, so that's mostly me overthinking things, derailing these threads, sorry can't stop posting my feelings, which is a very unusual thing, me having feelings beyond a backgound murmur
That's the Spock analogy, I "Overthink2 everything, that's how you get smarter, I don't know how I discovered that, but it clearly describes how my logical conscious brain deals with things, even knowing the modern usage, the word retarded meant, restrain, restrict the "Natural flow" like water irrigation.
So when I say I was emotionally retarded by my ignorance & subconscious fears, of the reaction of "Society" to me exposing my wrongness.
While that dictionary definition meant nothing to the conscious me, it subconsciously ruled me while suppressing the emotions driving those decisions.
So on top of the wrongness this dissociation between the two halves of my brain became a barrier.
That barrier broke in 2018, but only a crack, the emotions leak out unexpectedly, then gone.
My memory is a jigsaw puzzle of both the wrongness & the emotional suppression I used to live with the wrongness for 54 years.
I'm now 7 years into the process of making sense of the tangled mess, with mostly self therapy & my own research into the differences between my perception & reality, it's a long process, as well as the feminisation, it's the chance to test my amateur diagnosis of the mental issues It's still causing even now.
I never chose to be Transgender & I know exactly how close I've been to dying & just got lucky, I may have died long before the internet existed & I understood that I was never alone, I always had a community of people to turn to, I just had to find them first & coming from porn sites, filled with so much fantasy & myths that it's contradicting itself in the same comic sometimes, it was the drive for more text, not less pictures that led me to the site that broke that barrier.
One written by & for Transgender people.
I'd always said the first story, but on fact checking, you guessed it, lying bitch memory again.
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 1 ≡ The Reluctant Girl Friend by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 2 ≡ The Reluctant Cheer Leader by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 3 ≡ The Reluctant Sister by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 4 ≡ The Reluctant Prom Date by Melanie Brown.ODT
The Reluctant Girl – Series – Story 5 ≡ The Reluctant Bride by Melanie Brown.ODT
Both the original BCTS version (My ODT eBook version) & the DopplerPress (BCTS Publisher, that I pirate least often as it's all novels & Bundles & supports the free site), that said, everthing I've downloaded is in the My Collection thread now, but the sites been too painful for me to visit since I got on the Waiting List.
This was a SFW story where it's "Obvious" to everyone except the main character, because after each "Reluctant episode she becomes more feminine.
the key passage was part of the "you must be gay" narrative, I experienced in 1978, but the TG part was missing in my rel experience.
Tapping his nose again, Dr. Irrenarzt said, “Mr. Davis, I’ll admit that I’ve never counseled a transgendered individual before, but I have sat in with colleagues who have. One striking contrast between them and you is that they have had a burning desire to be the opposite sex for as long as they can remember. You have only wanted to be a girl since December.”
I have never "Wanted to be a girl", my logical brain knows that is impossible.
If I must be "male" I want to be as feminine as I can be, I want to be a Sissy, not a girl,
But the key link was was finally made, in my mind, I could not be a Transvestite, as I started dressing ASAP, the puberty crap just caused more problems.
Once that link was established, or remade if it once existed & understood what the wrongness was & as this comment is yet another attempt to tell that story previously mentioned in one of my posts (somewhere on here, buggered if I can remember.
Might go back through my post timeline, to read how the story has evolved with my perception & understanding constantly changing.
I've decided it might be time to return to "My People on BCTS" to tell that story, not leaving here, but that is where I need to write it first.
Once I've written, nobody gets to pirate it, the eBook will be posted here first by me (or the next one we move to), even if let BCTS sell a copy I want no payment , I will buy the first copy sold & upload it here after the source as I have always provided variants.
So I'll stop here & prepare to do it properly, it seems I need to tell this story, but the perception changes are the main focus, my life story the only example of human perception I have access to & how that changed with knowledge removing my ignorance.
Thought I posted this yesterday, already started the story, tired can't sleep, brain won't shut up thinking, not an unfamiliar situation.
sometimes I get a pain behind my blind eye, that's the brain telling my mind to get some sleep, then I'm out for an hour, or two, a full night if I'm lucky.
back to bed.
