[Various artists] 🎱 The refuge of my Western

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Experiment

It features our brave Poppy, who has volunteered to help the research department at Humpshire University, where Professor Hans Zonnertitz is involved in important work in the field of sex therapy.

She is ably assisted by Roger, a trainee research assistant who, despite having no qualifications, is dedicated to scientific exploration.

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - The Shadow

Pokeham is a terrible place for gossip! Take the other night – Two old ladies were returning home from the bingo in the parish hall when they noticed a light in the apartment above the village hardware store. That’s right – that Miss Poppy’s place.

And do you know, there was a right old commotion going on upstairs – muffled squeals and grunts and slapping and banging and all sorts! And the shadows on the curtains! Well! I tell you what – it’s a disgrace, that’s what it is!

That young lady spends all day flaunting herself, wiggling her bum and jiggling her boobs – and then she spends all night “entertaining” the village menfolk. The wanton trollop! It ain’t right, I tell you!

The parish council is sure to get to hear of this behaviour, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Poppy ended up in the stocks on the village green – again!

[Life can be so unfair! Poor Poppy. And what about her teddy bear, Mr Snuggles? That was uncalled for!]

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Carry On Nurse

It’s a little known fact that Pokeham Cottage Hospital is involved in ground-breaking medical achievements – especially in the field of sensory therapy.

Indeed, a team of specially-trained nurses is engaged in important daily treatment of patients in the male ward. It is all most innovative, I must say.

Here, for instance, we see three dedicated nurses helping patients to recover the use of their fingers – with an intricate tunic-unbuttoning and knot-tying exercise.

Why are they naked, you ask? Well, obviously their lack of clothing is designed to help reinvigorate those poor patients with “response issues”. In terms of vigorous reaction, the exercise has a 100% success rate.

I know that not everyone will acknowledge the value of such therapy, or indeed, approve - Berseh, for instance, is likely to accuse the hospital authorities of exposing nubile nurses to a degrading ordeal of “tits and bums groping” – but what does she know!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Traders

Some people think that Pokeham is inhabited by very idle, indolent fellows, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The village blacksmiths and carpenters, for instance, are all acknowledged experts in the manufacture of sturdy pillories and stocks. And Pokeham rope is famous throughout the world! The production of specially-adapted saddlery is also widely renowned.

And there are so many other examples of entrepreneurial zeal it’s hard to know where to begin!

Take Pokeham businessmen Ben Derova and Willy Knobber. Their partnership is achieving great success! The business? Well, let’s just say they’re in acquisitions – livestock acquisitions!

Their only cost is the maintenance of an old Bedford van, plus the purchase of a large supply of zip-ties and other fastening paraphernalia. The profits are immense, and they have customers throughout the world!

Today they’ve got an order from some shady Middle Eastern potentate. They need to identify and acquire an English filly with good bones and fine features – I won’t go into details, but they’re very specific, especially about curves, mammilla dimensions and length of leg, etc.

It didn’t take Willy and Ben very long to pick out a likely target, and they were soon expertly muzzling and tethering their flighty prey, and loading her into the back of the van.

She’ll soon be leathered down, boxed up, sedated and speedily on her way to a new life in some sweltering foreign fleshpot, where I’m sure she’ll be very well looked-after!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Vengeful wives

There was a heated meeting of the Pokeham Ladies Guild in the village hall last night. Third item on the agenda was “The protection of the village menfolk’s purity”.

Several wives reported that young schoolteacher, Miss Poppy Tupper, had been “wantonly displaying her charms”, thereby inflaming the passions of various husbands. Poppy’s wiggly bottom, long legs and bouncy boobs were discussed in increasingly animated tones by the local wives.

Someone hunted through the village bye-laws and found reference to a regulation designed to prevent “gratuitous strumpetry”! Apparently the ladies, being upstanding citizens of Pokeham, were quite within their rights to apprehend the culprit and clamp her in irons on the village green for a whole day.

The bye-law made no reference to the details of the punishment, but the ladies thought it would be appropriate to detain Poppy in just her stockings and heels – and invite all good folk to demonstrate their distain by giving the girl a jolly good spanking! Oh I say!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Virtually real

Veronica went round to see one of her girlfriends – but she was out. The only person home was her friend’s teenage brother, Stanley! He asked her if she wanted to try out his new virtual reality headset.

Oh yes, trilled voluptuous Veronica. So Stanley selected a game – Goblin Attack – and set her up on the sofa!

The silly blonde was immediately plunged into another world – surrounded by horrible little green monsters who chased and harried her, grabbed and pinched her. Gosh, she thought. This is sooooo real!

Before long she’d been wrestled to the floor and tied up! And then the goblins started to remove her clothing! Golly Gosh, thought Veronica – this is sooooooooo f***ing real! I can feel their slimy little hands all over me!!!

The “game” went on for some time! Veronica was a quivering wreck by the time it finished. It was soooooo real!

Teenage boys, eh?!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Loose ends

The head of Human Resources at Pokeham Building Society has responded quickly to the recent robbery - with a timely review of procedure.

You’ll perhaps recall that office manager Mr Gubbins spent an uncomfortable few hours rather intimately bound to his secretary, Sally, last week. Most upsetting for all concerned.

Well, the HR chief, Mr Percy Filth, has decided to instigate a training programme to prepare staff for the trauma of dealing with a robbery.

Funnily enough, he’s selected nubile cashier Miss Erica Melons to help act out some role-play. He will demonstrate, most thoroughly, how a cashier should react when faced with a determined robber!

I’m not altogether sure that the crotch rope was absolutely necessary – or that Erica should be starkers! But, as I say, he’s very thorough!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Three little maids

Rather a kerfuffle at Pokeham’s Gilbert & Sullivan Society, I’m afraid. The society’s production of The Mikado has hit one or two snags. It seems that the three girls selected to play the “three little maids from school” can’t actually sing!

Not only that! The girls have also upset the props department by complaining about the quality of their costumes!

The operetta’s director, Roger de Totti, is at the end of his tether with the three divas – but never fear! A quick re-write of the script, and hey presto, the maids have been muffled, and the costume issue solved!

Here we see the haughty young actresses being paraded around the village as part of a hastily-arranged publicity campaign for the production! You know, I rather think The Mikado is going to be a big hit!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Revolution

Trainee teacher Miss Poppy Tupper realised it was a mistake to try to teach her unruly class of lumpen teenage boys about the Russian Revolution. It just put ideas into their thick heads.

Before she knew it, the class was in open revolt, and poor Poppy found herself tied to her chair with her boobs flopped out - not for the first time! The things the horrid hooligans wrote on the blackboard! Honestly!

And what happened to Poppy’s bright red mini skirt? Well, if you walk past the school you’ll see it flying from the flag pole! Revolution indeed!

Just because Poppy’s a little bit posh doesn’t mean she’s a symbol of oppression of the working class. If you ask me, all this insurrection nonsense is just an excuse for some old-fashioned furtling and fumbling!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Unfaithful wife

Mr and Mrs Perkins live in a quaint cottage at the end of Tottyhollow Lane in Pokeham-in-the-Hole. Horace Perkins is rather a wealthy businessman who is out for most of the day, while his wife, Katie, is a former professional dancer who stays at home, painting her pretty toe nails.

Rumours have been circulating for some time that all is not well in the marriage. Horace is convinced that his long-legged, voluptuous blonde wife has been unfaithful – with the window cleaner, the postman, the local butcher, the local butcher’s delivery boy, the vicar, and various tradesmen, and regulars at the Randy Lurcher public house!

The other evening the neighbours reported hearing an awful row coming from Tottyhollow Cottage. Mr Perkins was seen striding angrily to his garden shed. Then there was much crashing and banging, hammering and sawing – and the following morning there appeared a sturdy wooden frame on the front lawn! Whatever could it be?

Well, that question was swiftly answered when he was next seen manhandling his lovely wife, dragging her across the well-kept lawn, and, despite her noisy protests, tying her firmly to the wooden device!

Then he erected a little notice board! Well, it raised some eyebrows, I should say! And, I’m told, it raised some other things too! Quite shocking!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Cabin crew

Pokeham Vale is a long way off the beaten track. It consists of many square miles of lonely, rough moorland and dark wooded valleys. Very few people ever venture there. Its complex network of lanes and by-ways are difficult to navigate, if you don’t know where you’re going.

There’s no mobile phone coverage, and sat-navs are hopelessly inadequate. The old wooden signposts are little help, either – pointing the way to queer-sounding places like Pokeham-in-the-Hole, Upper Bummingham, Little Furtling-in-the-Muff, Totty Bottom, and Humping-on-the-Cleft.

How unlucky would you have to be to get lost in such a place? Imagine the consternation, for instance, of four pretty air stewardesses in a car, trying to find their way to Stiffwick Airport, but miserably lost in a labyrinth of dark, winding lanes!

Inevitably they reach a dead-end – and stop and knock on the door of a ramshackle cabin in a remote and heavily wooded gorge. The last sign had read, “Maiden’s Folly”.

The door is opened by an ugly, wrinkly little fellow, dressed only in a dirty vest, which is rather short! It's a hermit called Silas Todgertugger! He's seen "airy planes" up in the sky - but they were either very small, or a long, long way away, so he took no further notice of them.

“Cabin crew, you say?” says crusty old Silas, a twinkle in his eye. “Well, Oi’ve got just the cabin for thee! Come in, me pretties!”

Oh dear. Do you think they’ll be late for their flight?

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Best in Show

I was flicking through my old photo albums the other day when I came across pictures from the Pokeham Village Show in 2019.

Here’s one of the shots from the Pony Trials. I recall that my manservant, Buggers, had spent many long hours ensuring that our beautiful guest Berseh was properly prepared – and I must say her dressage skills were greatly improved by his schooling with the long whip! I mean, just look at that perfect posture!

And it is also true to say that the bridle and tack were a snug fit, especially the nipples’ martingale and the inner thigh reins! And those specially-designed inverted heels, which cleverly ensured a nicely curved calf and a pert, prize-winning bottom.

Did she realise she’d been entered into the pony show contest? I couldn’t actually say – her accent is difficult enough to understand at the best of times, let alone when she’s got a muffle gag on!

And are those shoes cruel, you ask? No, of course not. The ponies really seem to enjoy the experience! The only problem encountered was where to pin the winner's rosette!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - St Agatha's Day

Not many people know that the patron saint of Pokeham is an ancestor of mine. She was Agatha, a distinguished noblewoman who was beatified in 879 AD, following a Viking raid on “Poccenhame”.

According to the Anglo-Saxon Chronicles, a grim band of heathen Norsemen fell upon the village like ravening wolves, intent on pillage and other things! The men of Pokeham, true to form, ran away!

It was at that moment that St. Agatha led the maidens and matrons of the village out to confront the brutish invaders in a bid to save their church! They gave themselves up, willingly, to ravishment – several times, apparently!

The Vikings, having slaked their lust, then drank every drop of ale in the village, ravished the good womenfolk again, and fell asleep – whereupon the craven Pokeham menfolk crept from their hiding places and massacred the lot of them!

The event is commemorated every summer in Pokeham. Selected village maidens and milfs take part in official, and unofficial, recreations of the events of that fateful day.

Here we see the current vicar, the Rev Stiffpistle, and gentlemen of the parish council, availing themselves of the charms of several girls from nearby Tyedown Ladies College.

And after recreating “The Great Ravishing”, they complete the story by getting “massacred” on strong ale down at the Randy Lurcher pub!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Activity

There’s a new physiotherapist at the Sunset Home for Aged Gentlefolk (SHAG) in Pokeham. Nurse Susan has devised a programme of exercises for the old folk. And her patients are all very enthusiastic.

In fact, some of the elderly men are extremely attentive when bouncy Suzy demonstrates her various workout ideas, like jogging-on-the-spot! They ask her to do it over and over again, for some reason.

Today she is teaching them the importance of maintaining movement in their old fingers. She’s got everyone practicing knot-tying techniques to keep those crooked old digits nimble! Oh, and how sprightly and dexterous they all prove to be!

In fact, within minutes they’d proved their skill at unbuttoning her tunic and unfastening her bra, too! Then they got to work with the rope! And, having successfully rendered their nubile nurse utterly helpless, they’re now planning to give those finger muscles some extra exercise – by giving the lass a lovely chest massage! Clever old chaps!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Rude girl

Pokeham’s civic leaders are determined to pursue a campaign to restore morality, decency and virtue among its citizens. Lewd, bawdy and vulgar behaviour has to be stamped out, after all.

Some might say that their methods are somewhat mediaeval, but let it never be said that the quality of mercy is strained in Pokeham.

Take, for instance, the laws dealing with licentious and promiscuous behaviour. To be fair, most such laws apply only to the female inhabitants of the village – whose punishment usually involves a limited, albeit humiliating, period on the village green, clamped naked in one of the many types of pillories and stocks.

But, harken to this! The wanton strumpets are always given a choice of pillory. This demonstration of mercy is nobility’s true badge.

Poppy is a habitual offender, regularly hauled before the magistrates for shameless displays of immodesty. When found guilty (which is always the case!), she tends to choose to spend the allotted punishment time bound to the Strumpet’s Post – a most ingenious cross which involves the recidivist being impaled on a sturdy projection crafted of hard, ribbed rubber!

Some of those who witness her vigorous squirming and noisy moaning question the effectiveness of this punishment – though it always seems to draw a crowd!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] -Assistant Ann

My manservant, Buggers, not only has to see to my daily needs, he is also responsible for the training of my team of flighty French maids. He has to discipline the girls regularly, and also (for the sake of peace and calm) is required to “service” them on a daily basis.

There are six nubile and needy maids at Pokeham Manor, so you can imagine that the physical burden borne by poor Buggers takes its toll.

Consequently, he has devised, designed and constructed what he calls a “sausage machine” to carry out the job on his behalf when he is literally unable to raise the enthusiasm!

Obviously, the machine needs thorough testing before my maids are given their turn – and that’s where I am eternally grateful for the help given by my good friend Assistantann.

Ann regularly volunteers to test out Buggers’ contraptions, never complaining, and always giving satisfaction! Thank you, dear Ann!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Training day

Poppy simply detests Teacher Training Days – especially the General Knowledge tests. The questions are so, so hard!

And of course, the silly girl didn’t read the (very) small print in her contract relating to her performance as a teacher. She didn’t notice this particular clause, for instance –

“The staff member, hereinafter known as Miss Poppy, shall, at periods various and unannounced, be prepared to undertake a spot-check general knowledge challenge. Should she score fewer than 50% she will be required to submit herself to summary punishment: to whit – she will be taken to the school’s Chastisement Bench, bent over, fastened by the wrists and ankles, have her bare bottom exposed, and be energetically spanked, caned or whipped, dependent upon the whim of the headmaster or, in his absence, his esteemed deputy. The duration of the correction is also at the discretion of the aforementioned senior staff. In the event of more serious underperformance in the test (2 or fewer out of 10), the punishment will be administered in the presence of the entire school body.”

​

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Tasty dumplings

It takes a teacher with a great deal of willpower to keep discipline in the school canteen at lunchtime. It’s quite a boisterous place, with food being flung left, right and centre, and boys being very rowdy indeed.

When it was Poppy’s turn to do “dinner duty” she was determined to keep control. It was amusing to see the pretty young teacher stamping her foot and shouting for quiet. No-one took the slightest notice.

The dinner ladies – those gritty old harridans who serve up the disgusting slop day after day – watched the girl’s pathetic efforts to supervise the farrago, and looked at each other with expressions of mock pity.

Then they came up with an idea! To the cheers of the whole school, they pounced on poor Poppy, stripped off her skirt, blouse and bra, and tied her tightly to a chair in the middle of the room!

The boys simmered down immediately, and spent the rest of the dinner time peacefully chewing the grotty food whilst gazing lovingly at their helpless teacher’s juicy dumplings!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Big discount

Once a month Poppy's landlord comes round to collect the rent. Poppy spends too much money on lingerie and other fripperies, but the kindly old landlord always offers her a discount - if she agrees to play one of his funny games. He calls this one "sausage dipping"!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Milf bound

What on earth possessed Poppy’s mummy, Mrs Jacquie Tupper, to march into the saloon bar of the Randy Lurcher pub in Pokeham to complain about the behaviour of the regulars?

She was very cross that on the previous day several of the locals, having had a surfeit of ale, had wolf-whistled her daughter, and called out to her with several “lewd suggestions”!

Well, the boozers may be frequently drunk and unsteady on their feet, but there’s enough of them to take action when being upbraided by this statuesque milf! So they pounced on the woman, removed her clothes, tied her up and plonked her on a high bar stool – as is traditional for “uppity milfs!”

Not only does Jacquie now have to spend her lunchtime bound, gagged and exposed to the loutish regulars’ comments (and worse!), but someone has fished out a pair of nippy clamps! Ouch!