[Various artists] 🎱 The refuge of my Western

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Kidnap

In the small ads of Bound Crumpet magazine you may find the following insertion:

“Damsels nabbed to order. Dedicated professional kidnapper, quiet, efficient with a 100% success rate. Solo operator. Own van. Have rope/tape – will travel. Confidentiality assured. P.O.Box 69.”

I don’t know who’s employed the abductor Slippery Dick to snatch Poppy, but someone has! And that’s why Dick finds himself, in the dead of night, silently picking the lock on Flat 2b, High Street, Pokeham.

He finds Poppy, fast asleep, cuddling her teddy bear. He creeps soundlessly towards his prey and gently draws back the sheets. My god! The girl is in the nuddy!

The next few minutes are all swift grapples, muffled squeals, rope and tape, and finally, one hot, juicy damsel in a tight bind! Dick lifts her hot, helpless, wriggling body up into his strong arms.

Then he looks into those pretty green eyes, which are wide with terror – and Dick says to himself, “Oh no! I’m in love!”

An occupational hazard, you may think, but it’s never happened to Dick before. Now, having placed the struggling, naked bundle in the back of his van, he is in a quandary. Does he drive her off to her new home? Or does he keep her for himself?!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Check-up

Some people have cast aspersions on the nature of the gentlemen of Pokeham-in-the-Hole, suggesting that they are libidinous Neanderthals who treat their womenfolk appallingly. Absolute tosh!

In Pokeham, the men are very conscious of the need to look after the health of their ladies – which is why every female in the village receives a free annual check-up!

Here we see medical operatives, Dr Ivan Ardcock (right), and his assistant, Jimmy the perv, with a batch of local lovelies. Each girl gets a thorough examination and assessment.

Why are the girls almost naked and tied together? I don’t know – I’m not medically trained, but there must be a jolly good reason for it!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Grandpa

The wedding photographer was typically busy, arranging the guests for the customary pictures. “Now,” he called out, “Can we have the grandfather of the bride and the Maid of Honour please?”

A short, elderly fellow tottered into frame, and stood gurning next to Poppy, who was dressed in fetching pink. In her high heels she towered over the old chap. The photographer frowned, and said: “Can someone fetch a step-ladder please?”

What on earth was going on, you may ask?

Well – there’s an unusual custom at Pokeham parish church when it comes to nuptials. The relevant passage in the church records, dating back to 1590, reads: “Whereas ye festivity be compleet, ye noble gentleman forefather is granted licence to remove yon bride’s chief ally, be the wench comely enough, and couple with gay merriment and fervour.”

This convention is known as concubitus avus – and remains popular among elderly wedding guests. If you don’t believe me, check the wedding photos!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Jeopardy

Poppy has been to see the headmaster, Mr Gittins, to complain about standards of behaviour in her class. The horrid boys show her absolutely no respect, she wails – and they’re so thick and stupid, she adds.

The boys will not respond to Poppy’s shouting, foot-stamping, screaming, threatening or even weeping! Nothing works!

“I think we should appeal to their better natures, while encouraging them to learn,” says wise old Mr Gittins. “I think I have an idea!”

And that’s how Poppy finds herself stripped off and tightly fastened to her desk in front of the whole class.

The idea is to encourage the class to behave themselves, and demonstrate their knowledge of arithmetic – to save their pretty teacher from a thwacking! Will it work? What do you think?

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Scrumping

Everybody knows that old Farmer Gruttocks grows the sweetest, juiciest apples in the county. And he guards them jealously!

As harvest time approaches, the wily old fruit grower prowls the orchards, searching for scrumpers – and oooh, if he catches one, they’re in for it!

Here we see Wendy Wiggles, a girl with a taste for his ripe and succulent apples. Very unfortunately, she was so busy gathering up the fruit she didn’t notice old Gruttocks creeping up on her!

He whipped out several coils of baler twine, and soon had the nubile thief tightly tied up! Now what? Well, one suspects that Wendy's own juicy orbs will get a proper “scrumping” too!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Monkey in a box

Poppy has replied to a newspaper advertisement asking for volunteer helpers at Pokeham Safari Park. The job appears to be simple enough - keep Henry the chimpanzee entertained. How difficult could that be? Well, not difficult at all, as it turns out.
The bonus, of course, is that the spectacle not only keeps Horny Henry entertained, but also the countless visitors! Hurrah!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Blushing bride

I don't know why Pokeham is such a popular venue for Hen Parties. Maybe it's the ambience of the Randy Lurcher pub? Or that added sense of potential peril for a young lady on the eve of her nuptials? Whatever. Here's Kirsty, having consumed one too many rum & cokes, who finds herself tightly tethered to a lamppost - with her dress in tatters, and her boobs on show! Oh, and her friends have looped a handy placard round her neck.
Do you know - I rather think the village lads might take advantage of such a juicy, jubbly opportunity to go "blubby, blubby!"

​

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - An inspector calls

Young teacher, Miss Poppy Tupper dreads the visits of His Majesty’s Schools Inspectorate. They always seem to single her out for special attention!

Today, for instance, the leader of the inspection team is conducting a “one-to-one” with Poppy in the stationery cupboard. He seems to be rather hot and sweaty! And breathing quite hard! And what's that bulge??

Poppy has no idea why he insists that she should strip down to her stockings, nor why she needs to be so uncomfortably tied up! Does it make her a better teacher?

And why does he spend such a long time squeezing her boobs and stroking her bum while wheezing and muttering, "naughty girl, naughty girl"?

And, do you know, every inspection ends with Poppy bent over his lap and being given a jolly hard spanking! Does that mean she's passed the inspection? Hmm. I think it does!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Wednesday

Sometimes Poppy is her own worst enemy. OK – she’s a rather inexperienced teacher, but you just don’t go into the first class of the day, facing a class of 30 hulking teenagers, and say, “What shall we do today, boys?”

First of all, it’s a Wednesday – and everyone knows that’s the worst day of the week for thick-headed juvenile oafs who just hate school!

And what did Poppy think they wanted to do? Well, obviously, it was - overpower the teacher, strip her down to her knickers, and torment the poor girl by roping her boobs to the ceiling!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Community policing

Law and order is something of a problem in Pokeham – which is why the parish council has decided to beef up the local constabulary with the addition of a new part-time Community Police Support Officer.

Poppy has volunteered for the position, because even though it’s an unpaid role, she does get a clothing allowance – and Poppy always needs to buy new stockings and heels!

What the silly girl doesn’t realise is that the parish council’s idea is to provide the village thugs and yobs and vandals with a “distraction” – i.e. Poppy would spend every evening shift tied to a simple pillory. Cleary, while the local hooligans have Poppy to play with, they can’t be getting up to no good elsewhere.

Here we see Slippery Sid explaining to Poppy that she isn’t the only one with a big, shiny truncheon!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - The curate

As you may know, there are very strict rules in Pokeham for any sort of behaviour that is deemed socially unacceptable.

This unfortunate young lady, for instance, was seen to be chewing gum – in church, if you can believe it! A very wicked and disrespectful deed!

The law is quite clear on such conduct – a few hours bound, gagged, naked and exposed on the pillory outside the church, so that the righteous folk of the village can impart chastisement on a sinner’s naughty buttocks.

Most of the punishment, to be honest, is carried out by gruesome old biddies driven, one suspects, by jealousy and resentment – possibly even secret delight!

But never fear. The Rev Roger deTotty, parish curate, is always on hand to provide succour to those curvy girls convicted of such crimes. The kindly churchman supports and comforts the girls – for hours! It’s hard work, but the Rev Roger is dedicated to his task!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Home punishment

You might be interested to learn of some peculiar practices in Pokeham. Thanks to various mediaeval charters, the village is entitled to enact its own laws, specific to the parish.

There are some unusual regulations, for sure. Dropping litter, for instance, is very severely treated – and punishable with a prison sentence, if you can believe it.

Poppy was up before the Magistrates recently, having been accused of dropping a sweet wrapper in the High Street. She pleaded not guilty, of course, but thanks to several keen-eyed witnesses, the case against her was proven.

The chief magistrate said he was “minded to consider a custodial sentence”. Poppy went pale, remembering her time as an inmate of HMP Horny Broads. But the magistrate relented, instead issuing a six-month “Home Pacification Penalty”.

Allow me to explain: Pokeham Magistrates employ an HPP Officer whose job it is to carry out sentence in the comfort of the criminal’s own home – which means that once a week, for the next six months, Mr Fred Flayerbottom will be visiting Poppy to carry out sentence.

The court gives the fellow free rein to exact punishment in whichever way he chooses. As you can see, he uses quite a lot of rope, and is a devotee of the strappado technique. Oh, and he also possesses large hands!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Poppy post-tied

In her role as a Tourist Association Relationship Technician (TART), Poppy is required to ensure a warm welcome to sightseers to the picturesque village of Pokeham.

Today she’s on hand to greet a coachload of international visitors who are keen to experience the delights of the old village, and in particular its famous “oral tradition”. Poppy thought she’d be telling them some stories!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Sally's first day

It’s Sally’s first day at the offices of Shaftem Ruffly, Pokeham lawyers. Her first duty is to undergo “induction” with Human Resources manager, Stanley.

He explains that the company takes its responsibility for employee health and well-being very seriously, and he must conduct some physical checks. Surprisingly, this involves Sally having to remove her clothes. It is also apparently necessary to secure her with ropes “for her own safety”.

Stanley measures and weighs the new employee, and notes that she is ever so slightly over the optimum weight for a girl of her height. A regime of physical exercise is then drawn up – which will be personally overseen by Stanley himself, such is his dedication to Sally’s welfare. Yeah – I bet it does!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Librarian

Just an idle thought - how to improve literacy rates.

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Drowsy damsel

Charlie is a professional abductor. He’s a fully paid-up member of the National Association of Big-Bosomed English Rose Snatchers (N.A.B.B.E.R.S). Armed with a bottle of chloroform and plenty of rope, he hunts down likely victims to supply the growing international demand for chaste English damsels. And today he’s found one!
But, of course, sometimes the temptation to tamper with the merchandise before it’s properly crated up is just too great!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Arachnophobia

Poppy starts every new term with a sense of optimism. The young teacher strides through the school gates determined to succeed. This term, she says to herself, her unruly class of ruffians will respect her!

The silly girl’s positivity is short-lived! Before the first lesson is over, Poppy finds herself stripped, bound and gagged – and locked in the store cupboard!

And this year, the horrid louts have strapped her to a box containing the school’s pet spider – knowing that she is utterly terrified of the hairy little creature!

The loathsome young fellows sit around the classroom, smoking, drinking and playing cards, giggling as they listen to Poppy’s terrified muffled squeals. How cruel children can be... sometimes!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Poise

What’s going on here, then? Well, young teacher Miss Poppy is undergoing extra training in order to improve her composure in the face of the rowdy and boisterous young louts in her class.

Maintaining poise is most important – so the headmaster has set up a challenging series of tests designed to improve Poppy’s ability to remain calm under intense provocation.

It may look as though poor Poppy is being cruelly tormented – but I’m sure it’ll make her a better teacher!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Engagement

Parents' Evening! Oh dear!
I imagine there'll be quite a queue of people waiting to discuss the latest exam results!

 

[tanuno]

[SirNoddy] - Show and tell

It’s Show and Tell day at Pokeham School. The pupils always bring along some interesting items – and they’re keen to impress their young teacher, Miss Poppy! They’re also eager to know what Poppy is going to show! She says she hasn’t brought anything! But she has!